What we Cultivate

I’ve felt stuck in between a rock and a hard place for a long time now.

Today, I reached an extremely low point.

I contemplated my choices- if I have choice.

I fell into my intuition.

We need to let go of words, even as I type them.

They are merely fingers pointing to the moon, but not the moon.

There is no ultimate truth in a word, in a thought.

Life is ineffable.

We must cultivate the light within us,

and embrace the dark with loving tenderness and forgiveness.

Even a word like intuition is just a road map.

Lean into it all.

Find out for yourself.

Dive into your own experience.

Others may be able to guide you,

To lead you to the gold mine-

But only you can find and harvest the gold within yourself.

May we all feel love and peace and wisdom within our hearts.

Thought of the Day 08-12-15

Thought of the day:

You are as trapped as you believe yourself to be.

A House Built Upon Rock

And she said

“It’s amazing how when you change one thing,

Everything else changes.”

You and I both know this to be true.

That faded quilt blanket which hangs inconspicuously upon your wooden chair,

Appeared to have the same old familiar pattern for years;

Until suddenly, one day, that same blanket seemed to possess a whole new array

Of shades, shapes and complexity stitched throughout,

Because you changed one important thing,

And thereby grew yourself a new pair of eyes.

People sometimes tell me, “You have so much potential;

You could be this, or that, or this, or that.”

I am not sure what they mean anymore, or what I mean anymore,

When we speak about becoming this or that,

Or fulfilling some sort of unlocked potential.

Perhaps it is the pressure to be something more than what we already are at this moment,

Which only adds to our discontentment.

I am learning and trying to trust the journey, as well as the notion that,

“It is written.”

It is surely a sad thing- no, a seemingly tragic thing,

When a dream that made the heart hopeful for years,

Proves itself to be part of the path, but not the path.

This is when we must learn to trust the path the most,

And rely on our own inner strength.

It is certainly pleasant to surround ourselves with loved ones,

And those with whom we can share our joy.

Yet, it is even nicer when you can enjoy the company of others,

While you are always invisibly resting within a house built upon solid rock,

When most others rest visibly in their houses built upon sand.

Moving to Portland: Selling + Donating All of my Possessions

So, since it is too expensive for me to hire movers and a moving truck to transport all of my possessions across the country from Pennsylvania to Oregon, I’ve decided to both donate and sell almost all of my possessions and only bring to Portland what I can fit in my little 4 door sedan.

All week I’ve been donating bags and boxes full of possessions to Goodwill that I have been accumulating my entire life. The bigger stuff, like furniture or more expensive belongings, I’ve been selling on Craigslist. I have very mixed feelings about the whole process. This has been an extremely liberating and purging process- things that I have always thought I ‘needed’ either to make me happy, or because one day I just might need them… I’ve been discovering I DON’T ACTUALLY need them after all! What a revelation! Looking at an object that I have an emotional or sentimental attachment to and then throwing it in the box to take to Goodwill feels like looking my fears and insecurities in the face and saying, “I will not be held back by you; I am stronger than you!”

On the other hand, I have had some difficulties selling some things, for instance, selling my guitar. My stepdad gave me this guitar when I was 12 years old and I’ve had it for over 10 years now. I don’t play it often, but when I do, I enjoy it. I knew I could probably manage stuffing it in my sedan, but for me, it really was a practice in letting go of emotional attachment to objects by selling it. I know that one day I will buy my own guitar for myself, and when I invest my own money in something like that, I will have much more incentive to actually play it more often.

So yes, it is a little hard and sad to see some of my prized possessions either sit on the shelf at Goodwill or to be handed over to the palms of strangers from Craigslist. But of course, in line with the whole mixed emotions thing, it actually kinda makes me feel all warm and fuzzy at the same time thinking about how my possessions will make their new owners happy and imagining how they will use them well, perhaps better and more often than I.

Since I am starting fresh by moving to a city where I know absolutely no one, it is very fitting for me to actually start completely fresh by letting go of all of my belongings and getting new ones in my new home. Wow- that felt weird to type… “home.” Is Portland actually going to be my home? It seems hard to imagine.

This whole process is still very surreal, but is starting to sink in more, and overall, I’d say it’s very empowering. This is the kind of decision in life that most of us think we don’t actually have the strength for, but I am learning that at least for myself, I am much stronger than I ever realized. Okay, maybe I am not climbing Mount Everest or anything and to some of you, you’re thinking “Pfff, all this chick is doing is moving across the country- what’s the big deal?” But to me, moving to Portland alone, where I will be completely anonymous at first, means letting go of ALL of my comfort zones, all of my security blankets, all of my emotional, social and geographic ties (even though I can sustain long-distance friendships/relationships, it just won’t be the same) and facing my fears of being completely alone and making it on my own.

I am going to Portland in a few weeks to look for housing and I am actually staying in an international hostel there, which I’m really excited about! I will get to meet travelers from around the world- the setup in this hostel seems really unique and awesome- they are super environmentally conscious and it looks so clean and cozy there!

…I know this is a stretch, but if any of you readers live in the Portland area, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me- I could certainly use some new friends in my new city!

I will post again soon with updates! 🙂

Moving out West

Here’s to those out there who feel alone, lost, confused, in a rut…. you are not alone, because I feel that way too.

I never thought I’d find myself with these feelings for such an extended period of time and at such a young age, but alas, here I am.

I’ve decided to move to Portland, Oregon. I’ve been living in the northeast for my entire life and I’m really starting to feel like the culture doesn’t suit my personality. As hard as I’ve tried to make friendships here with likeminded people, almost all of my friendships have either faded or ended, despite my best attempts to hold on to them. As hard as I’ve tried to pursue meaningful jobs out here, I have had too many power-hungry, neurotic and miserable bosses to name.

I feel like it’s time for me to make a change in my life. I’ve always wanted to move out West- I love the big, wide open spaces, the mountains, the national parks, the culture’s focus on nature and the environment as well as the more laid back pace of life.

I have a boyfriend right now here, but there are several issues standing between us, although I love him to death. One of the larger issues is that he never wants to leave the area that we live in due to his family being here, and I absolutely dislike where we live and am very unhappy here.

It’s time for me to start taking responsibility for my own happiness and pursue my dreams although I may be facing the unknown alone. I know it will be really difficult and I will feel all alone out there at first, but I know that if I don’t do this now, I will start to settle down here and I will always wonder ‘what if…’ and possibly live in regret. Nothing in life is set in stone, and if I find myself not liking life out there, I do not have to stay.

I find that most people in the northeast think I’m strange because I haven’t settled down yet in a permanent position, I’m always itching to travel and try new things, and I won’t settle for anything less than happiness and fulfillment. People call me irresponsible and say that I lack judgement, but I think many people here are brainwashed by society to live a life of security and complacency. People are so afraid that if they don’t buckle down with full security on all ends, that they will end up homeless or jobless or on the streets or whatever.

Maybe I am irresponsible and I really don’t know when I will get to the place where I feel like I belong, but I feel it is better to search than to waste years in a place and situation that you know deep down just doesn’t feel right.

The main thing that concerns me is that I also know deep down that it’s really not all about where you are in life, but who you’re spending your life with. I want to find that balance of being in a situation and in a geographic location that I feel suits me, but also be able to share my life and time with people that I love. Once I move out west, I will pretty much know no one and have no support system out there.

Am I crazy? What do you think? Have any of you out there faced similar situations, of leaving your comfort zone and moving far away where you know no one?

Here’s to another adventure and the unknown just around the bend…

I’m Starting (Another) New Chapter

So, I put in my two weeks at my job last week! I was so unhappy here, so it is such a relief. To get more info, read my previous posts on why I dislike my job! 🙂

I have so many thoughts running through my head lately. I am sure you can all relate, but it’s so strange how life turns out nothing like you thought it would. I am now 23 years old, and I am going to be 24 in about 5 months. I can’t figure out if I am living my life the way I am supposed to or not. I always thought that everything would just magically fall into place one day for me, but ever since I graduated college 2 years ago, everything has been so confusing and I’ve felt so out of place.

I always thought since I am a positive person who strives for harmony, that happiness would be something that comes natural to me– but this is not proving itself to be the case. In fact, sometimes I feel like I have to fight for my happiness and my freedom so that others don’t infringe on it. I know that it’s all mental– it is in my control whether or not I choose to let things bother me, but I suppose I am not that mentally and emotionally advanced yet, because things certainly do still bother me.

I always thought finding the right job would be easy, and making good friends would be easy, and enjoying life would be easy, but it’s not, because getting where you truly want to be in life seems to be a struggle, and a constant work in progress. It seems like you must make the hard decisions in order to constantly choose happiness over complacency.

For example, if you know that traveling and meeting more people is intrinsic to your well being and passion in life– then you must make a very difficult decision of leaving loved ones behind for a while, as well as your comfort zone behind, to embark on adventures and pursue your passion.

Or, if you truly just want to find a job that resonates with you and that you feel joyful and passionate about, you must not settle for anything less than that and you must make the difficult decision of leaving jobs that aren’t fulfilling you.

Or if you know you deserve great, true friends or a great, true partner, and not just flaky friends or settling for a partner that doesn’t really care much about you- you must make the hard decision of cutting off ties with people that only served as a sense of security in your life, but whom actually never treated you the way you deserve or fulfilled you in the way that you need.

However, at the same time– is it like the Buddhists say, and is it that desires and passions are the root cause of suffering? It’s all so confusing.

I may not be able to reach some transcendental state of being in this life where I am supremely at peace and happy, but it feels like it’s been so long since I’ve been at the point where I’ve felt like, “Yes, this is where I’m meant to be, and things may change for the worse in the future, but right now, I am at rest.”

Either way, I am still refreshed by a new chance at life and starting over somewhere new. I don’t want to keep jumping from place to place and job to job, but I know that wasting away somewhere that is a toxic environment and that in no way fulfills my potential is not the right decision either.

The birds keep singing

What do you do when
The world has lost its charm
But hasn’t shown you its secrets yet?

What do you do when
All food has lost its flavor,
And the spices have lost their zest?
When the thought of the future just doesn’t move you anymore?
And when the satisfaction
Of a day well-lived,
Is just so seldom experienced?

What do you do when the movies seem less real?
And the laughter and tears feel less rich?
When the calmness feels less nourishing,
And the passions feel like they are wiped over
With grey paint?

If you came to this poem
Hoping you’d find an answer,
You better go knocking
On some other
Poor woman’s door.

The birds outside my dirty window keep singing
“Hold tight,”
“Hold tight,”
“The dream will change,”
“The dream will change.”

The Caterpillar and the Butterfly

I tell you these things and craft these words in hopes that we both may heal together on this journey.

Now, listen, the following words are a true story. From this experience, in addition to many others, I have learned that the signs of love and the opportunities for healing and growth are all around us, if only we pay attention. Let us try to wipe the dust from our eyes together.

One day, I was walking alone through a forested park near my home. I walk here often to connect with nature and gain clarity from its simplicity.

On this day, as on many other days, I was feeling rather disillusioned about life and my direction in it. I was ruminating upon troubling thoughts: Am I taking the right path or not? How do I know whether or not I am making the correct decisions for my future? –Questions of this nature plagued me and disturbed all sense of peace.

Suddenly, I noticed something rare, unusual, and stunningly beautiful. On the trunk of a large tree to the left of me, rested a colorful and brilliant butterfly. This butterfly, although captivating and certainly gorgeous, was not the rare, unusual and stunningly beautiful discovery I had found though.

It was, that exactly next to the butterfly on this towering tree, rested a caterpillar.

How often is it that one is able to witness the beautiful, incredible irony of a butterfly and a caterpillar resting right next to each other on the same tree in peaceful harmony?

I knew in this instance that what I was looking at was a gift and a sign from beyond. As we all know, butterflies are the end result of a caterpillar’s personal evolution. I believe this sight was there to remind me to trust my own evolution, in my current state as a caterpillar- for one day, before I know it, and before we all know it, we will evolve into that graceful butterfly.

This is where we all stand: most of us are caterpillars, making an uncertain, sometimes frightening journey of evolving into our destiny of becoming a butterfly.

Before its final transformation, a caterpillar must enclose itself in a dark cocoon where it must face the utter unknown, where it must shed its former identity and merge into something completely new.

Eventually, this creature that we once called a caterpillar miraculously morphs itself and emerges as something entirely different– yet essentially of the same nature. It emerges as its own absolute potential, a beautiful butterfly.

Take heed from this story, and in your darkest hours, see yourself as that caterpillar on its journey to become a butterfly. Trust in your own evolution and in the experiences you must go through in order to shed that which no longer serves you.