The void.

I keep trying to fill the void you left in my life.
No, things weren’t perfect- but you gave me a purpose.
You made me special.
You made me seen.
You gave me an outlet to reveal myself, and express myself and you made me feel like my words were important to another human being.
Now, here I am… In many ways, happier… healthier, better off.
But still, with this void, with this hole, and trying to discover how to fill it with parts of myself that I already have.
The conflict is wanting to share my life with another (and don’t tell me this feeling is wrong, because it’s so inherent to the human psyche) and wanting to be complete without the influence of another.
I have forgotten how to be alone. When will I come to the place where I feel at peace once again? There was once a time that I thought I had captured that state for good, but alas, life has a different plan for me.
What has changed though is a greater feeling of acceptance for being lost, possibly due to my new environment, where figuring it out is totally okay, and in fact, the norm.
But still, each day I struggle to be at ease and enjoy the moment. I struggle to enjoy the moments of solitude even when I truly want to be alone. I struggle to feel like I mean something without being something important to someone else. I hope this struggle is the key to my own liberation, but only time will tell.


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